Did you ever get really excited about something new you believed God called you to do—perhaps even something big and potentially life-changing—but when you told your closest friends and family members, they looked at you like you’d suddenly sprouted antennae? They might even have responded with resistance or anger—or at least awkward silence followed by an abrupt change of subject.
If so, then you’ve experienced what I call the Familiarity Bias, a phenomenon I’ve commonly observed in my clients’ lives and in my own life too.
In this blog, I’ll describe:
- What the Familiarity Bias is
- Why the Familiarity Bias is common
- How to navigate through the Familiarity Bias to godly confidence and fruitfulness
The Familiarity Bias: What Is It?
So far, I’ve lived in five different states, and sometimes in multiple areas of the same state. Five times in my life, I moved far enough that I had to start completely afresh making new local friends.
I recently realized that every time I moved, new friends expressed fascination with where I’ve lived and what I’ve done in the past. The older I got, the greater was the “fascination factor,” probably because God kept blessing me with new places and practices.
By now, I’ve been a college chemistry student, a graduate student, a chemical researcher, a college chemistry teacher, a discipleship and leadership pastor, and now a Christian life coach helping people to find and fulfill their calling in Christ. My shortest geographical move was 40 miles. Twice, I moved a few hundred miles. My longest and most recent move was 1,000 miles. All of the geographical moves were by choice—to different climates and terrain—and I greatly enjoyed each of them.
So like I said, the longer I’ve lived, and the more I’ve moved, the more I’ve noticed how interesting my experiences seem to the people I meet at each new location. And oddly, they often quickly assume that, because of my diverse experience and training, I am a capable and valuable person.
But I’ve also noticed that the longer I’ve lived in any one location, the harder it can be to gain credibility and influence for any new thing that I believe God is calling me to do.
You might think that the people who have known you best and longest would be the first to encourage, support and believe in you for a new, exciting, but challenging venture. But that is often not the case.
My coaching clients say the same thing. Even exceptionally high-level leaders often feel somewhat under-appreciated by the people who have known them the longest. And they sometimes get the most alien-like stares when they share how they’re growing in Christ and how God is leading them in new but seemingly unexpected directions.
Shakespeare famously said, “Familiarity breeds contempt.”
Apuleius extended that proverb to say, “Familiarity breeds contempt, while rarity breeds admiration.”
My Definition of the Familiarity Bias
The Familiarity Bias is when the people who have known you the best and the longest don’t immediately believe in and support you when you believe God has called you to do something new, exciting, and challenging.
The Familiarity Bias is characterized by the following set of behaviors:
- People don’t understand why your calling is important to you, even if you’ve already said it is.
- If they do understand that your calling is important to you, they don’t understand why.
- If they talk about your calling at all to other people, they make it sound small or like no big deal.
- They might not oppose you in your calling, but they also don’t encourage you in it.
- They might not believe you can do what you believe you’ve been called to do, because after all, you’ve never done anything like that before.
- They might think you’re not qualified or created for what you’re thinking about doing.
- They might think your concept of your calling is too big. It’s hard for them to believe that someone they know so well could be called and empowered to do something so impactful.
- They might even express anger, fear, jealousy, or indignation over what you feel called to do.
Jesus and The Familiarity Bias
Jesus Himself experienced the Familiarity Bias. The people in his own hometown assumed that, because they knew Jesus so well, He could not possibly be who He claimed to be or do the things He seemed to be doing:
- “When [Jesus] had come to His own country, He taught them in their synagogue, so that they were astonished and said, “Where did this Man get this wisdom and these mighty works? Is this not the carpenter’s son? Is not His mother called Mary? And His brothers James, Joses, Simon, and Judas? And His sisters, are they not all with us? Where then did this Man get all these things?” So they were offended at Him. But Jesus said to them, “A prophet is not without honor except in his own country and in his own house.” Now He did not do many mighty works there because of their unbelief.” (Matthew 13: 54-58)
The people in Jesus’ hometown must have been saying, “Who, Jesus! Puh! He’s a carpenter! He builds outhouses. I’ve known him all my life. He’s no better than I am. He can’t do miracles!”
Or they might have said, “He’s Mary’s son—you know, that woman that got pregnant before she married. He can’t be the Son of God!”
Why the Familiarity Bias Is So Common
The psychological phenomenon of cognitive dissonance sheds light on why the Familiarity Bias is so common—even expected.
Wikipedia Says This About Cognitive Dissonance
In the field of psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort (psychological stress) experienced by a person who simultaneously holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values. The occurrence of cognitive dissonance is a consequence of a person performing an action that contradicts personal beliefs, ideals, and values; and also occurs when confronted with new information that contradicts said beliefs, ideals, and values.
In the book A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance (1957), Leon Festinger proposed that human beings strive for internal psychological consistency in order to mentally function in the real world. A person who experiences internal inconsistency tends to become psychologically uncomfortable, and so is motivated to reduce the cognitive dissonance, by making changes to justify the stressful behavior, either by adding new parts to the cognition causing the psychological dissonance, or by actively avoiding social situations and contradictory information likely to increase the magnitude of the cognitive dissonance.
As God continually transforms us, we no longer think, feel, and behave as we once did. And as God grows us into new and exciting stages of our Christian calling, He calls us to do things we have never done before.
- Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! (2 Corinthians 5:17)
But the people closest to us still know and love who we were before. It’s not that they don’t want to love the new creations God has made us to be. But who we are becoming doesn’t fit who we were before. Therefore, they experience cognitive dissonance. So they respond with confusion, doubt, and withdrawal, instead of encouragement, support, and shared excitement.
For example, people might struggle to believe that Sherri the waitress could start her own nursery business, or Helen the insurance executive could succeed as a motivational speaker, or Steve the janitor could become a highly regarded pastor and denominational leader. And yet, all three of these people are friends of mine for whom God granted these seemingly unlikely dreams.
I don’t know the extent to which all of these three friends had to persevere through people’s doubts that they could indeed fulfill their individual callings. But do know that some of them—probably all—experienced at least some Familiarity Bias. Some of their family, friends, coworkers, and church family undoubtedly experienced cognitive dissonance between who these people were at the time and who God was calling them to become.
In the Bible, David’s three oldest brothers fell into the Familiarity Bias and cognitive dissonance when David the shepherd came to the battlefield and asked about Goliath:
- When Eliab, David’s oldest brother, heard him speaking with the men [about Goliath], he burned with anger at him and asked, “Why have you come down here? And with whom did you leave those few sheep in the wilderness? I know how conceited you are and how wicked your heart is; you came down only to watch the battle.” ... “Now what have I done?” said David. “Can’t I even speak?” (1 Samuel 17:28-29)
It’s discouraging, confusing, and even hurtful when it seems that no one encourages us or believes in us for the next stage of our Christian calling. But it’s also normal!
What to Do When It Happens to You
Eventually, as God transforms your own life and Christian calling, you’ll experience the Familiarity Bias from your own loved ones and church community. When you hear God’s new calling on your life, your heart will soar with excitement. At first, you’ll keep it to yourself, wanting to be sure, and wanting to gain confidence before sharing it with anyone. After all, who are you to receive this awesome calling from God?
Finally, you believe it enough to tell some people and…
…It falls flat. Your loved ones might say something like, “Hey, that’s great!” But you see the doubt in their eyes. They change the subject much more quickly than you would like. They might even shock you by raising objections. And suddenly, your newfound confidence plummets. You think, “Ugh. If even my closest friends and family don’t believe in me, how can I possibly believe in myself. Is this really a new calling from God, or is it just my own wishful thinking?”
Here’s what to do when you experience the Familiarity Bias about your Christian calling:
1. Take comfort in the fact that the Familiarity Bias is normal and universal.
As we saw above, even Jesus experienced the Familiarity Bias. So did David and many other Bible characters. So does almost everyone in modern Christian life.
The Familiarity Bias is normal, because your new calling doesn’t seem to fit with who your loved ones think you are. They need time—and often, unfortunately—evidence, before they believe you can indeed become and do this new thing.
Even if your loved ones think you’re going off the deep end, that too is a common response! Even Jesus’ family thought He was out of his mind:
- “Then he went home, and the crowd gathered again, so that they could not even eat. And when his family heard it, they went out to seize him, for they were saying, “He is out of his mind.” (Mark 3: 20-21)
I have coached dozens of clients about finding and fulfilling their Christian calling. And guess what? I have yet to coach anyone who did not experience the Familiarity Bias!
I have experienced the Familiarity Bias myself multiple times as God has transformed me and called me into new and challenging adventures. I now know it is a normal psychological reaction, and not necessarily a sign of my loved ones’ lack of support or my own misunderstanding of God’s calling.
2. Rejoice that confirmation of your Christian calling comes ultimately from your relationship with God, not from other people.
The fact is that your own conviction about your Christian calling will almost always be ahead of others’ perception or approval of your calling.
3. Courageously embrace the Familiarity Bias as a wonderful opportunity for growth.
Only God can give you the depth of encouragement, courage, and perseverance for moving into your Christian calling. Don’t let the Familiarity Bias stop you. Instead, let the Familiarity Bias drive you to God. Talk with Him frequently and fervently about your calling and your personal growth. Click here to learn how to have more meaningful back-and-forth conversations with God.
4. Take the bold step of talking with your loved ones about your calling.
Your loved ones want to encourage you! They want you to succeed!
But they might not yet have any idea how important your calling is to you, and how much you want their encouragement. After all, you’ve been thinking about your calling so much longer than they have. And they probably don’t know how fragile your confidence is so early in the process of moving into your new calling.
So tell them about your calling and how they can help you in it! Yes, I know it feels awkward and vulnerable. But I wrote a blog about exactly how to do that. Click here to go to my blog entitled “What My Hubby Taught Me About Encouragement in Christian Calling.”
5. Encourage someone else in their Christian calling by resisting the Familiarity Bias in yourself and helping them instead.
Be a part of the solution for someone else instead of part of the problem. When someone—especially a loved one—shares with you anything at all about what they think they might be hearing from God, encourage them to talk. Listening is the best thing you can do for them. Even if you don’t agree with what they’re saying, don’t say so just yet. They’ve been thinking and praying about this longer than you have, so they could be right and you could be wrong.
If they’re right, and you’re wrong, the last thing you want to do is set their calling back by saying something like, “Hmm. I really have never imagined you doing that.”
Who in your life is pursuing what they believe to be God’s calling, no matter how improbable their calling might seem to you?
- May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had. (Romans 15:5)
God encourages you and thereby empowers you to fulfill His call in your life and calling. How can you overcome your own Familiarity Bias and encourage someone else in their Christian calling? How sweet it would be if you could do that especially for the most important and cherished people in your life! Click this blog title for tips on how to do that: “What My Hubby Taught Me About Encouragement in Christian Calling.”
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RJ. Loved this Blog – and thank you for continuing to write and share these great Blogs! Looking back over my life journey, I had “familiarity bias” happen to me many times. Just never had a name for it. It caused me to doubt myself and sometimes even abandon my plans. I gained a lot of insight from this Blog – and at a time I believe God is shaping me for my next calling. This also served as a great reminder for me to evaluate how I respond to others who share they are entering uncharted water in their life journey and calling.
Hi, Paula. I’m glad you benefitted from this discussion about familiarity bias, and that it will help you to respond to other people in the future. I wasn’t quite sure what to call the phenomenon either, but “familiarity bias” seemed to fit. 🙂 Thanks for the feedback!
Hey, R.J.!
This post was so obviously meant for me and is, of course, in God’s perfect timing! Thank you for being an example of someone who follows God’s lead and nurtures others to do the same.
You are a gift!
Hugs n blessings,
Lisa Rigoni
Thanks so much, Lisa! I’m glad the timing was perfect for you. It’s always amazing how God does that. Thanks for your encouragement and feedback!