Dedicated Christians who want to make a difference for Jesus in this world are highly susceptible to a disease that I call “yes-itis”!

“Yes-itis” is the sincere, often unconscious, but definitely unhealthy compulsion to say yes!

A grotesquely twisted version of Matthew 5:11 describes yes-itis:

Jesus said, “Blessed are you when you overcommit yourself and exhaust yourself and always say yes to everything and everybody on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven and earth. For you will be supremely loved and valued until you burn out and lose your noble reason for saying yes in the first place!”

Symptoms of yes-itis

What happens when we say yes too much:

• Our relationship with God cools because we don’t have time for Him.
• We start to resent doing what we once enjoyed.
• We don’t have time for the important people in our lives.
• We lose our ability to relax and have fun.
• We get stress-related health problems.
• We take on a martyr mentality: I have to do this, because I’m indispensible.

Causes of yes-itis

Healthy reasons we say yes:

• We want to be sacrificial servants of Jesus.
• We want to be a team player.
• We want to come through for people.
• We want to be liked and accepted.
• We don’t want to hurt people’s feelings.

Not-so-healthy reasons we say yes:

• We value ourselves mainly for what we do instead of who we are.
• We are obsessed with accomplishment.
• We feel unsettled if we’re not doing something productive.
• We fear loss of love, security, or peace if we say no.
• We rescue people from doing what they should do for themselves.
• We like feeling super-human, like we can do it all!

When to say no

If you say YES to an opportunity, your answers to the questions below should also be YES!

• Is this a passion or priority in my life?
• Don’t say YES just because you can! You are not called to do everything you CAN do.
• The way you spend your time is the way you spend your life.
• Be sure you save time for your important priorities, including rest, recreation, and relationships.
• Do I have time to do this, including preparation time, thinking-time, and recuperation time?
• If I say YES, can I maintain healthy personal boundaries, i.e. no working on my day off, taking a Sabbath day, etc.?
• If I am making a sacrifice to say YES, is it healthy and God-honoring, not obsessive or fearful?
• If I say YES because I’m serving Jesus, does Jesus really want me to do it, and I am not just trying to be a Super-Christian?
• Will I feel good about saying YES later?
• Do I sense a clear YES from God?

How to say no

Instead of giving an answer on-the-spot when someone asks you to do something:

• Thank the person for asking you. It’s an honor to be asked!
• Unless you are sure that your answer is YES or NO, tell the person you want to think and/or pray about your answer, check your calendar, etc. This is not a dodge. It is wise!
• Then pray and think about your answer!
• If it would be helpful, use my blog about “10 Practical Strategies for Making Decisions” Click here to see it.

Then if your answer is NO:

• Thank the person again for asking you.
• If you truly want to say YES, but your time won’t allow it, say that! Then ask the person to keep you in mind for the future.
• Otherwise, give a reason if you want. You could say, “I really need that time for my family.” Or, “I don’t work on my day off.”
• If there is no schedule conflict, but you just don’t want to do it, and you don’t feel God’s prompting to do it, that’s okay. It’s healthy boundaries! You could just say, “I just don’t feel drawn to do this.”

Why it’s good to say no

• Christians are especially prone to yes-itis, because we know life is not all about us. It’s also partially about sacrificing our own desires for Christ and for others.
• But if we say YES to everything, our lives are aimless and frustrated.
• It’s empowering to realize that wisely saying no is actually saying YES! Saying NO to the right things creates time and energy for the most important priorities in life.

How to grow in your ability to say no

• The full scriptural and psychological basis for saying NO wisely and confidently is well beyond the scope of this blog.
• But doing so is absolutely essential for full Christian joy and fruitfulness.
• For help with personal boundaries and saying NO, see the book at Amazon: Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

R.J. Scherba Christian Coaching is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to amazon.com. R.J. only lists resources that she highly values and uses herself.